Friday, October 22, 2010

Grief & Trust: An E Ticket Ride Through My Thoughts


My mind goes back and forth between peace and turmoil this evening. Questions constantly arising about my thoughts and why I’m thinking them and where they are coming from.  I’m working through a lot of feelings, emotions and grief.  The loss of significant relationships take time to grieve. I have to continue to remind myself that there isn’t a set time limit on grieving.  It will come and go for as long as it needs to and when it’s here I need to bring my Zen Buddhism philosophies into practice and sit with it.

Feeling emotions is fairly new to me, considering I’ve been in this existence for the past 40 years and learned at a very early age to turn them off or tuck them away.  Now that I’m feeling them I’ve been trying to figure out how to balance them.  Just how long do I sit with them and am I allowing them to consume too much of my time?  Am I living in the past by dwelling on them for too long?  Am I dwelling on them or just feeling them?  Trusting in this process is difficult.  Are these feelings coming from something that was fabricated in my mind by creating a story from things that may or may not be happening outside of my realm of control? 

Stick to the facts.  Yes, this happened and this happened but it may not have been a consequence of this or that.  There are so many other explanations of what might be happening.  My instincts tell me something completely different but are those really my instincts or is that coming from the stories in my head? 

Am I obsessing?  Why does my heart feel the need and constant want to love someone?  When I finally find a peace with everything and the grieving ends, has it really ended or have I simply hidden away all of those emotions?  Will they return only to be worked through again and again and again? 

Do you see the chaos in this?  This process of working through all of these thoughts and questions help me define and learn from the emotions that I feel.  At least I hope it does.   It also feels like it’s making me a little crazy.

But, there has to come a point where I completely let go. Not only for my sake but for the sake of those involved.  No one wants to hear it anymore, including myself!  Move on into the future and be happy with the present.  See the past for what it was, appreciate it and cherish it but also stop living in it and holding on to hope that someday it may return. 

How much is lost in the present if I’m living in the past and holding out hope for something that may never come? 

So much is lost.  It’s time to kiss the past goodbye, send it love and wish it well.  If it does come back, I will love and appreciate it in the present.

I’ve fallen out of my habit of meditating again and need to start again with it.  It seems as though I lose focus every time I let that practice go.  Focus on staying present.  No matter what I’m doing.  It’s time to let go of the past and be in the present.

4 comments:

  1. This is a brilliant image to go with a brilliant post. UGH...emotions..from one butch to another...I have to say...good luck with that!! :P Emotions have the absolute ability to make anyone FEEL crazy...its what you DO with them that makes you sane! Breathe deep and smile at yerself often...it DOES help!

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  2. It's just Feelings...and feelings are your emotional guidance system. Your emotions lead you to YOU and all the swirling, twirling pulls you inward so you can BE with YOU and allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel as you go through this process of self discovery. We get all fucked up when we have a tumultous beginning. We might think we are not loveable because love was not our cocoon from the beginning. So, we throw love at every problem hoping it will bounce back to us. I believe that we can reset this conundrum by giving to ourselves that which was not given to us when we were soft, pink bundles of wonder. And...everything happens for a reason.

    Wendi...you're doing great. You really are. Even if it doesn't FEEL like it. It's reflected in your courage as expressed in all these words are you are penning in this BlogSpace. Sharing it puts it out there into the Universe, a request to the GreatDivine for being heard, for being validated...

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  3. Hi Wendi...after readeing and responding to your blog, I went and read another blog I follow and I thought you might really enjoy and benefit from this post....

    http://thespiritualspider.blogspot.com/2010/10/memories.html

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  4. Thanks, Kina. I am doing my best. Sometimes minute by minute but whatever it takes, eh? (o:

    Thanks, heathergirl63. It's a bit of a rough ride but I'm doing it. Finding me.

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