Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Breakdown


I am a writer who is intimidated by the blank page at the moment.  This is something that I know I need to get used to but it’s still disappointing.  This sense of uneasiness in writing is difficult to deal with during this period of darkness. 

I go through these periods every so often and, to be honest, should probably be on some sort of chemical balancing tool in order to stay out of this space for longer periods of time.  Instead, I remain chemical free and out of balance. 

New Years Day brought with it a major breakdown for me and I found myself a sopping wet pile of emotion in front of a friend.  This is the sort of ‘show and tell’ that I don’t like to share with others.  It made the breakdown even more difficult for me.  Luckily, the night ended on a good note that involved beer, laughter, a portabella mushroom burger and French fries at a local pub.  In the end I was glad she was there to hand me tissues. 

I’ve struggled all of my life with actually feeling emotions.  There are times when I’m sure I’ve felt them but wasn’t totally sure of what it was I was feeling.  There are also times when I know I should be feeling something but don’t.  The lesson I learned in pushing them deep down inside was one I apparently learned a little too well.  What sort of life do you live outside of emotions and feelings?  Isn’t that what living is about? 

I have got to find a way to tap into that deep well inside me.  The one that holds all that I’ve pushed and tucked away.  There has to be a way. 

I need to feel again.

6 comments:

  1. I can relate Wendi, oh how I relate. When you can, let yourself experience one feeling, one moment at a time. The rest will come.
    Sending love your way.

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  2. Thank you, J. Will do my best.

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  3. Wendi, this quiet place that you now find yourself in is a quiet place of discovery and reflection. And though we are sometimes uncomfortable there, uncomfortable in the detritus, it's there that we often find the bits and pieces of ourselves that we've been looking for; that we've been missing. After I read this post, it made me think of something I wrote some years ago...

    Holding Still
    by Heather Maclean
    11/25/02
    Roll up the sidewalks in your mind
    It's time to pull the blinds
    So close your pretty eyes
    Focus on your feelings...
    Feelings deep inside.
    Holding still just to be
    Find the misplaced sense of self
    in the corner of your heart
    Be amazed at what you find
    in this moment, in this time
    Changes in your life...
    Holding still just to be
    Roll up the sidewalks in your mind
    It's time to pull the blinds to an
    introspective state of mind
    Flowing patterns of light...
    This is the moment for...
    Holding still just to be....

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  4. I'm glad you had a friend to walk with you through that day.

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  5. Thank you, Heather. I know you're right, but like you said, it's sometimes uncomfortable to be here. Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem with me.

    MakingSpace, although it was incredibly difficult for me to allow her to see it, I am glad she was there, too.

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  6. Wake up. Get out of your head and into life. You have two beautiful hands that can write. Use them to tell your story. -Deb

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