Monday, November 28, 2011

The Little Me & The Big Me

There are days when the little me has to battle it out with the big me. It's quite literally a yelling match in my brain when this happens. The little me does nothing but belittle and find some sort of proof that I'm not worthy enough. It constantly tells me how much better I can be and that no one could really love me unless I do this or that or act a certain way or not act a certain way. That I should hide my authentic self because that self is basically a lazy pile of crap.

To fight back my big self comes back with all of the great things I have done and how kind and caring and compassionate of a person I am and that the world needs more people like me in it. She tells the little me that it's wrong and has no clue of how it really is and that I do deserve to be loved and have all that I want in life.

Days like this exhaust me. As much as I try to ignore what's happening, I just can't seem to completely. Finally I give in and focus on the battle in an attempt to come to a truce of some sort. I think today I've finally made peace between the two. At least, I hope so.

As weird as it may sound, I am grateful for days like today. They force me to find love within myself for myself which, in turn, makes me a better person.

Self love is a very good thing.

4 comments:

  1. That inner child can be a little bastard. I try to care for her, but sometimes she can be an absolute brat who needs to be reminded that the grown up who has gone through therapy knows more than she does.
    Be gentle with yourself.

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  2. I've read this post many times because it is something I can relate to so very well.

    I learned somewhere that the little negative voice inside that berates us and argues that we will never be good enough is trying to protect us by convincing ourselves not to try- it's safer that way- no (or less) pain, no failure (because we never tried or stuck ourselves out there). Problem is that if we listen and curl into a motionless ball then it is an overall failure, thus defeating the protective goal (we self destruct). Thank goodness for your "big me" that has the guts to be authentic and duke it out with your "little me"!

    It's so great to hear that you have yelling matches and that you can reach truce, even if it takes all your attention and strength. And I agree days like that are reasons to be grateful- you are fighting the fights, winning the skirmishes that truly count. These are the days that we define ourselves and become more like who we really are (fabulous, curiously and awesomely unique, incredibly Human beings).

    Self love and acceptance are VERY good things :) Thank you for sharing this!

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  3. I can relate to this. I've been here myself.

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  4. Thank you, Victoria. I'm doing my best to be gentle with myself. It took locking myself in the bathroom at work and letting some tears flow, but I didn't get angry with myself for doing so. Thankfully.

    Aeria, you're welcome! They are VERY good things, indeed! If only they weren't so difficult. But, then again, sometimes the difficult things make it all that much more worth the fight.

    Lynn, thank you. Sometimes being in this space makes me feel crazy. Knowing that others experience it, as well, makes me feel less crazy. Hugs to you, my friend.

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